For many couples, planning a wedding together can be the first real test their relationship will face. Pressure from different family expectations, financial hurdles and their own contrasting expectations of what a wedding should include can leave some couples wondering if their relationship can even survive the planning process! In this article we will show you how to handle these disagreements, so you and your future spouse can move forward and plan your dream wedding together.
The key to agreeing on wedding plans with your fiance is to discuss your expectations very early. You need to tell each other what you see as the top priorities for your wedding, so you can create a clear vision of your dream wedding together, before getting swept up in the planning process.
When you’re newly engaged, however, it can be really hard not to get carried away with the vision you’re seeing in your head, before you even think about what your partner is seeing. Particularly if you’re the type of person who has been dreaming of what your wedding will be like for some time, it’s easy to start imagining that everything you want for your big day will just fall into place when you finally have your fiancé by your side.
Is it normal to fight over wedding planning?
Yes it is! Many couples will find themselves in disagreements or fights more than they usually do during wedding planning. There could be multiple people involved in making decisions, including both partners and other relatives, all with different opinions. Some couples may feel wedding planning stress about what their big day should look like from outside influences such as friends, family members and media sources.
Finance issues are a very common reason for problems to arise. If a couple is getting financial help from family members to help with wedding costs this can increase friction, as those family members may wish to have more say in deciding wedding plans. Or, if the couple is paying for all of the wedding expenses themselves this can lead to tension as they may not always agree on how much to spend on each item, or how the cost of the wedding will fit alongside other important financial goals such as buying a home, or starting a family.
Other issues can come up if the couple have different ideas about what the perfect wedding should or should not include. They might have different cultural, religious or family wedding traditions that could conflict with how the other partner has always dreamed about their wedding day.
Can planning a wedding ruin your relationship?
If a couple has not had a stressful situation arise in their relationship before, it can feel like a nightmare situation to begin fighting right before their wedding day. If the couple were to let the fights continue with no attempt at discussion or compromise, then it is possible that the relationship might not make it through the wedding planning process.
However, if the couple can stop fighting and talk to each other to work through the disagreement, they will become stronger together for having dealt with the issues in a healthy way. In fact, they will have new skills in communication and compromise that will help them as they build their married life together.
What should you do when you cant agree on wedding plans?
If you’re not sure where to start when working out issues between yourself and your partner, follow these steps:
Have a back-to-basics discussion about your wedding vision.
Firstly you need to set aside time to talk to each other, with both partners committing to listening to each other’s perspective. Set aside some time where you will both turn off your phones and commit to talking to each other about the issues you are having. Take turns to describe what you originally saw when you thought about your ‘dream wedding’. Talk about the people you wanted to celebrate with, the type of venue you envisioned, what music you wanted to hear and the type of food you wanted to serve, all of the details! Describe why these things are important to you, and ask your partner the same question about the things they talk about.
This discussion might not be completed in one sitting. It’s important to take enough time to make sure each of you feels heard and understood.
Try to understand what is at the root of your disagreement. Is it that you disagree on a number of smaller items such as venue, size of the guest list, themes or colors, or is it actually a bigger issue driving the differences? For example, is it the fact that having a wedding budget of this size will delay buying a house for another 2 years? Or would one partner rather spend this budget on an epic honeymoon?
Discuss the priorities of each part of your wedding vision.
You will need to be able eventually to compare the relative importance of all the things that come up during your discussion. You can start by taking turns to list each of your top three priorities. Work through all of the things you discussed, its a good idea to be writing things down on a piece of paper as you go.
By now you will begin to have an idea of where your dream wedding visions are overlapping and where there might be conflicts.
How do you compromise on a wedding plan
All wedding plans will require some compromise. Especially if you’re planning a wedding on a budget, no one can ever have everything exactly how they want it. However, this does not mean you have to give up your dream wedding vision completely.
A successful compromise is one where both partners feel that they are getting some of the things they want, while accepting they need to give up some others. Neither partner should feel like they had to give up on everything.
Start with your prioritized list, and see if there are any to easily cross off the bottom of the list.
For higher priority items that require compromise, discuss ways to make sure you can both have some of the things. Think about the things that you’d be prepared to give up, so your partner can have some of the things they want too.
By the end of this process, you should have a list that includes things you both wanted, and things that you both agreed to cross off. Try to remember that this process isn’t just about the wedding you’re about to have, its also about building positive communication habits for your relationship going forward.
As you can see, there can be many different sources of wedding planning stress that can come up unexpectedly during the wedding planning process. However, this doesn’t mean it will be the end of your relationship! With clear communication and willingness to compromise, going through this experience can actually become a relationship strengthener, and have a positive impact as you begin your life together.
If finance issues are causing some tension for your wedding planning, we have some terrific resources that can help:
For help in deciding how much to spend on your wedding based on your salary, take a look at our post here, and download our free salary-calculator.
If you’d like to see how to hold a wedding for $5,000, check out our post and free budget-calculator here.
