Wedding planning can be a lot of work, but it is also one of the most exciting parts of being engaged. You want everything to go smoothly and for everyone to be happy on your big day! One problem that many brides run into is their bridal party not helping them plan the wedding in the way they hoped. This article will discuss how you should deal with this situation, as well as how you can set expectations when asking people to be in your bridal party. If you are looking for tips about what to do if some members of your bridal party aren’t willing or able to help out, then this blog post has all the information you need!
In most cases, problems with bridal party members come from mismatched expectations. It’s important to understand first how much time your bridesmaids are able to commit to helping you plan, and it’s important that you don’t ask too much of them and put a strain on your friendship.
When you first begin planning your wedding the size of the task can be overwhelming. For most people, this will be the biggest event you will ever be responsible for planning, and it can be stressful when you see what is involved. As most of us also need to juggle work, family, and other commitments, it is natural that we will want to ask for help from our friends and family, not to mention how fun it can be to plan together with other people.
When we choose the members of our bridal party, we are asking these people to be part of our wedding day and to support us in making it the best. The actual responsibilities they will have, however, don’t come from one standard list. The “expected bridesmaid duties list” is very different from person to person, culture to culture, and wedding to wedding. What you think your bridesmaids will help with might be a very different list to what they think they will help with, so it’s very important to discuss this right at the beginning.
Setting expectations for bridesmaid duties
Before asking anyone to join your wedding party it’s a good idea to think about the tasks you’d like to ask for help with and those you’d prefer to keep for yourself. If you are using a professional wedding planner, the planner may be able to help you with this.
Remember that your wedding day will not be the only thing happening in your bridesmaids’ lives so it’s important to communicate early on about what tasks should take priority and when they can offer support or assistance. Also as wedding planning may start more than a year out from the wedding date, people’s circumstances can change, so it helps to be able to be flexible around what people may be able to do for you.
Here are our key tips for setting expectations for bridesmaid duties:
- Decide early what you hope bridesmaids will help with. Will it be simply being available for dress fitting appointments and the bachelorette party and bridal shower, or including them in only the fun planning activities like cake tasting or color decisions? Or are you hoping for some more detailed assistance such as contacting vendors, picking up decorations or tracking wedding invitation RSVPs, etc? Have an idea of how much time these things will take, and when they will need to happen.
- Decide early what you would like bridesmaids to pay for. Depending on the engaged couple’s budget there can be a million different ways to handle this question. Will bridesmaids pay for their dress, shoes, makeup, and hair? Or only some of these? None of these? If they will pay for all or some of these you need to consider that not everyone can afford, or want, to pay more than a certain amount for things that aren’t really for them. While they may be able to wear a bridesmaid dress or shoes sometime in the future, keep in mind they are really buying them because you want them to!
- Discuss these expectations when you ask someone to be your bridesmaid. Try to be flexible in these discussions, and work with what your bridesmaids are able to commit to. Try to assign tasks based on what people will find fun and easy to do. Remember that even though you think someone may be able to afford to pay for something it might not be in their financial plan at this point, or they simply might not want to spend so much so try to have more affordable options available also.
- Have open conversations so your bridesmaids can let you know if things change for them. Changing jobs or schools, moving to a new city, having a baby, or new relationships are just some of the things that can happen during the time it takes to plan a wedding. You must remember that your wedding plans will take a backseat for your bridesmaids during these times, no matter how important your big day is to you, so it is best to talk to them and be ready to re-assign tasks or change some decisions if possible.
- Always remember you were friends first, and that is more important than your wedding day. It can really hurt to think that your bridesmaids aren’t as excited for your big day as you are, or maybe even as you might have been for theirs, but it can help to remember what is more important to you – having their help or excitement for one day or having them as a friend for the future.
How to deal with problems with bridesmaids after they happen
Problems can sometimes creep up very unexpectedly, no matter how hard you have tried to avoid them. They don’t always come as a big fight though. Maybe you’ve noticed a bridesmaid has stopped replying to your texts, or won’t commit to an appointment time, or you might feel that something is just off. This is usually due to someone’s expectations not being met. Either they thought something would happen and it didn’t, or something has happened they didn’t expect.
The best way to deal with this is to try to have a conversation about it. Call them, or send a message to let them know you’ve realized something is off and ask if you can discuss each other’s expectations. Being flexible is the key to making sure everyone is happy with the outcome. If it’s possible, try to find a time that works for both of you immediately and reschedule anything else so you can show them this is important to you.
When you sit down to talk try to be open to listening to their point of view so you can figure out what’s going on. It can be very hard if there’s been conflict or an argument, but try to avoid blaming or finger-pointing, just try to listen first.
Is the problem that you’re asking too much of them? Are they overwhelmed by all of your tasks and don’t know where to start? Do they feel expected to commit to appointments or events that weren’t discussed earlier? Are some of the things you’re expecting of them too uncomfortable or expensive? What were their expectations about how this would go, and how do they compare to what’s happening now?
How they respond to these questions will help you to know where to go from here. While your wedding day should certainly put you and your future spouse in the spotlight, this doesn’t mean that everyone else must put their lives on hold for you, so you may need to offer some reasonable ways to compromise, perhaps by switching tasks around, changing time requirements, or even relieving them of tasks and have them attend on the day only.
How do I ask my bridesmaid to step down?
Hopefully, a direct conversation about any problems will have helped you both to reassess your expectations and be able to move forward with the planning together. If there is still a problem after the two of you have talked it through then it may be time for that bridesmaid to step down from your bridal party.
Thinking about asking a bridesmaid to step down can be stressful, but sometimes it can be better to simply end or remove a problematic situation so that you will be able to continue your wedding planning process without further worry or disruption.
How you ask them to step down will depend on where the friendship is at this point, and what you hope your relationship will be like in the future. If there has been escalation to the point of arguments, and you don’t feel that you can be friends anymore, you might not want them to even attend as a guest. However, if the tension is unpleasant but manageable, you may still want to continue the friendship and have them still attend the wedding.
One way to ask a bridesmaid to step down is to be firm but gentle and to say: “I’ve noticed you have a lot more responsibilities on your plate at the moment than we thought would be the case. I don’t want my wedding day to add more pressure for you, but I value our friendship and hope you will still attend as my guest if the bridesmaid expectations are too much at the moment.”
If your relationship has deteriorated past this level and you no longer wish they attend even as a guest you will need to be more direct and say “I’m sorry we’ve got to this point where we’re no longer on the same page as friends. I’m not sure this is a positive situation for either of us so I think it’s best we take a break from here and continue on our separate paths.”
Be honest and direct, but not aggressive. If you have a bridesmaid who is particularly sensitive consider rephrasing things to avoid them getting offended or feeling attacked. While you may have different opinions about the situation there is no reason to be hurtful when asking them to step down. Be kind but assertive, if they don’t want to give up their role as a bridesmaid that’s fine – just make sure it is clear what both of your expectations are for the future!
Dealing with your family and friends can be one of the most difficult parts of planning your wedding. It’s even harder when they are supposed to be on your team and helping you achieve your dream wedding vision! While no-one ever plans to have these problems come up, it can help to be prepared by thinking about how you will react if they do. Follow the tips we’ve outlined in this article and remember the number one thing – Make sure expectations are clear between you and your bridal party members from the very beginning! This will help you have the smoothest, happiest experience while you plan your big day.
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