How To Have a Small Wedding Without Offending Anyone

Written by Erin in Budget and Finance,Relationships

Let’s face it; the pressure to put on a massive show for a wedding can be overwhelming. From relatives who insist on having things their way to people you barely know being upset not to be included, getting married can be a hassle. Many people are choosing to keep things small by as much necessity as preference these days.

Here’s how to have a small wedding without offending anyone: 

  1. Manage expectations.
  2. Set a small budget.
  3. Send an apology note.
  4. Don’t ask for gifts.
  5. Throw a second party.
  6. Make it a digital affair.
  7. Be discerning with your guest list.
  8. Have a double wedding shower.
  9. Choose a destination vacation.
  10. Elope.

Minimizing the fallout of a small wedding is essential to ensure your special day is the day you and your partner envisioned. The last thing you need is a lot of drama because you decided to keep things simple and focused. Read on to learn how you can diplomatically reduce your guest list without leaving anyone in tears, or rage.

1. Manage Expectations

The best thing you can do is set the proper expectations about your wedding from the very beginning. 

When you announce your engagement, you can start letting people know that you intend on keeping things small when you have a wedding. This casual establishment of what to expect can be beneficial, as it gives your potential guests a head’s up that they might not be there.

Once you set a date, remind people of that expectation. They’ll have had some time to get used to the idea and shouldn’t be blindsided by it. If someone does get upset, gently remind them that the plan from the beginning was to keep the event itself small.

2. Set a Small Budget

Costs of everything are rising, and as of 2022, inflation is at an astonishing 7.9%. The wedding industry, already notorious for adding fees the moment the word “wedding” is whispered in its presence, is following suit. 

In a time when most people are struggling to keep their bills paid, having a large event just isn’t feasible for many people.  

The good news? Almost everyone understands that. Whether it’s the increase in food costs or paying more at the pump, we are all feeling the pinch. So when you tell your would-be guests that you can’t afford to throw a big event, you aren’t going to get much push back. 

After all, the number one money-saving tip for your nuptials is to invite fewer people.

Let everyone in your life know that your budget is small and that you’re avoiding a big wedding in the interest of starting your marriage off right. No one wants to begin their life together in debt.

3. Send an Apology Note

Once your guest list has been settled on, it’s time to do damage control. One of the worst things you can do is ignore the issue, because, like it or not, some people will have their feelings hurt. 

They’ll wonder why they didn’t make the cut, especially if they’re otherwise close to the couple.

Sending an apology note is a simple way to address this. It confronts it head-on while letting the person know that you’re thinking of them and wish they could have been there. 

While there’s no single way to do this, a basic template would be:

“Dear [Name],

Thanks to a minimal budget, we have had no choice but to make some very painful cuts to our guest list. While we wish we could have had you at the wedding, we can’t invite you. However, we would love to get together afterward. We love you!

Sincerely,

[Couple Names]”

You don’t need to send a note to everyone you know, just to those who might have been invited if the wedding was bigger.  This could be extended family such as aunts, uncles and cousins, or your wider friendship group. 

4. Don’t Ask for Gifts

Many posts on sites like Reddit show brides and grooms telling people they aren’t invited to their wedding but still asking for gifts. Let’s be crystal clear here. If someone isn’t invited to the event, they should never be expected to send a gift. 

It’s tacky and selfish to ask for one and is a quick way to lose friends, or end up a viral meme on social media.

Only send a registry link if the person in question will be attending. And if you have a small wedding, keep the gifts inexpensive. If there are large ticket items on the list, set it up so people can make payments towards them. This allows multiple people to contribute to that item as a shared gift.

If someone who isn’t invited still wants to contribute a gift, suggest an inexpensive dinner date when you and your partner are back from the honeymoon and settled in. 

It’s more personal and shows you genuinely wish they could have attended. 

Are you struggling to decide how much you need to spend on your wedding?
Download our free calculator here to help you finalise your wedding budget number.

5. Throw a Second Party

A new trend, especially since COVID, is to have multiple weddings. 

Small weddings are usually a way to avoid doing anything so elaborate, but there’s an easier alternative, and that is a party. Throwing a casual get-together a few weeks after the wedding and honeymoon is a great way to involve everyone without much stress or financial burden.

For example, you have a wedding with only a few close family and friends. Next is the honeymoon. Then, six weeks later, you have a backyard barbecue with everyone who would have expected to be invited to the wedding or who you enjoy being around. 

Making it a potluck keeps food costs down and reduces the planning involved.

This is an excellent way to make people feel included and cared for. Just make it clear you aren’t expecting gifts for the party and their presence is all the present you need.

6. Make It a Digital Affair

The pandemic created a unique form of attending weddings and showers during quarantine, and it has persisted as the world reopened. Digital weddings give people, no matter where they are, a chance to participate in the ceremony without being physically present. 

Put a link on Zoom or another stream conference app. Your photographer or videographer may also offer streaming as part of their service, which will be a better experience for guests.  

While it isn’t the same as being there in person, and won’t be helpful for the reception, it still offers a chance to see the wedding itself. 

But those who are dedicated to seeing you and your partner exchange vows will be happy to be there, especially if you take the time to acknowledge that they are watching and being a part of your special day.

I love this as an option for international relatives and friends who are unlikely to want to or be able to travel from considerable distances to attend. With the cost of travel rising steeply, expect to see this becoming a more viable and accepted option in the coming years. 

You might as well be a trendsetter and help make it mainstream.

7. Be Discerning With Your Guest List

Here’s where things can get tricky, and that is planning the guest list. When you have a small wedding, you must be very discerning about who makes the final cut. That means getting brutal with who should and shouldn’t be there. 

This includes those who might attend along with those guests. Plus ones might not make sense at this juncture.

For example, you have a friend from college who was your roommate and best buddy. You did everything together, though recently, you haven’t done more than the occasional online catch-up. In the meantime, you’ve made a close friend who has become a weekly hangout partner for the past year. 

They are a regular part of your current life but don’t have as much history as your former bestie.

Invite the new friend. While they don’t have the same background and memories as your college roommate, they are a part of your life now. When it comes down to it, their presence makes more sense than someone you haven’t seen for years and probably won’t see for quite some time after the wedding.

There is another type of problem you might need to address. Your best friend is your Maid of Honor. She is dating a new guy she likes a lot, but neither you nor your partner knows him that well. 

Do you let her bring a plus one, so he is a part of the event? Or no, leave him out of it, as his seat can go toward someone close to you and your partner now?  

This can be a tough call, but hopefully your MOH will be ok to miss her boyfriend for an evening.

8. Have a Double Wedding Shower

Bachelor and Bachelorette parties are falling out of favor of more inclusive events. Part of this is that couples are getting married later than their parents and grandparents did. 

The horror stories of rowdy nights leading to marital problems later are pretty standard societal tropes that aren’t so common nowadays.

Instead of having split parties, why not have a shared wedding shower? This doesn’t have to be like the old school showers of the past, but it can rather be a party to celebrate this new stage in your life. 

By combining it into one event, you can invite far more people than you would have at the wedding. The Best Man and Maid of Honor would traditionally be responsible for throwing the stag events, so they can instead work together on this celebration.

Whether it’s a weekend getaway in a nearby camping hotspot or a single brunch, you can have plenty of fun, without the massive hangover that is a staple of Bachelor/Bachelorette nights.

9. Choose a Destination Vacation

This one might be considered a dirty trick, but there’s no denying it’s effective. Luxury vacation spots are eager to attract wedding parties for their all-inclusive packages, especially post-pandemic. You can get some incredible deals and have most of the wedding planned and orchestrated for you for less than throwing a traditional wedding at home. 

This also combines the honeymoon into the trip, as you stay behind and your guests go home.

The best part about choosing a destination wedding? Almost the entire would-be guest list is sure to say “no.” Sure, everyone wants to go to Hawaii, but on their terms. They don’t want their dream vacation to happen on someone else’s schedule or a major event stuck in the middle. 

And since they would be responsible for their costs, minus whatever discounts the venue offers for being in the wedding party, they won’t spend their savings on it.

Choosing a destination wedding also says clearly to everyone that the event is meant to be small and intimate, and no one takes it personally. They accept that it’s your day, and you want a small but luxury ceremony that isn’t going to accommodate everyone. 

The most ill-will you’ll encounter is harmless jealousy that you were able to say your vows in such a gorgeous spot.

10. Elope

This is the last resort for many couples, but it’s an option that you might consider. Sometimes people can get overzealous when their loved ones plan a wedding, particularly parents. They’ve often been waiting many years to have the chance to see their child take this significant life step, and they want everything to be perfect, especially if they’re helping pay for it.

Sitting down and setting boundaries is best, but not everyone is receptive. 

When others refuse to allow you to have the wedding you want without tantrums or interference, it might be time to take the ultimate step, which is to elope. Taking the wedding entirely out of the equation eliminates a lot of the stress.

While this might not lead to anyone being offended, as the article promises, you could make quite a few people angry. But a marriage is a partnership, and the two most important people are the couple themselves. 

By eloping, you immediately show a unified front and make it clear that you will not be living under anyone else’s demands.

Final Thoughts

Don’t stress! The truth is that most people aren’t nearly as dedicated to being a part of your big day as you think. While they’d be happy to attend, they won’t be hurt by not attending. As long as you make it clear they aren’t being explicitly excluded, you should be able to have a small wedding without offending anyone.

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